When Self-Care Becomes Exhausting
Pressing reset and creating new rituals for the New Year
Lately, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. More like a depressive slumber that started as burnout and has spiraled into something heavier. Thicker. Almost like a poison that I can feel in my bones.
I released a book this year, and to date, writing a 65k+ word book is one of the hardest things I have ever done career-wise, leading to my burnout, fatigue, and overall exhaustion. I have grown tired of doing. What I have also grown tired of is healing, self-improving and self-actualizing. Now, I don’t think there will come a time when I will stop doing these things because the paradox is that these are the things that make me well and get me out of my depressive funk. So now what?
With the New Year approaching, I’m rethinking what it means to take care of myself after coming out of months of burnout. The things I needed six months ago are not what I need right now.
As we evolve, we will shed ourselves and outgrow the rituals and habits we once clung to that played a role in keeping us well. The morning routines, weekly therapy appointments, and bedtime meditations might become a thing of the past as we lean into the new version of ourselves, ready to take shape and flourish.
It’s come to my attention that I need to reimagine self-care and what healing for me looks like moving forward as I enter the next phase of life. The alarm that went off for me was feeling understimulated by my everyday routine and practices, and it was time to press reset and explore this new woman that I am, the season I am entering, who I want to become, and what I no longer care for or can tolerate. It’s time to make self-care fun again.
Five Ways I’m Reimagining Self-Care
New morning rituals: I’m a morning person and have a few rules for how I start my day. My phone is always on DnD until 9am because I do not want to be overstimulated by phone calls and texts as soon as I wake up. Another rule I used to have was journaling every morning, but lately, this practice doesn’t stimulate me the way it once did, and the beautiful thing about the rules that we create is that we can always change them. Now, I’m starting my mornings with music as a meditative practice. Each morning yearns for a new song. Sometimes, it’s a bit of soft reggae; other times, it’s R&B, Gospel, or classical music. Either way, it offers a new way to reflect and manage my mood before jumping into busyness.
Less self-help and more escapism: I love reading, and books have served as a beautiful vehicle that has led me to deeper self-awareness and healing. Still, it’s time to switch things up and spend this season focusing on books that elevate and stimulate my imagination, and the best way to do that is to dive back into my love for fiction.
More dates… with myself: I travel a lot for work, so whenever I fly into a new city, I always research the best restaurants nearby. This practice, however, is not only reserved for traveling. I currently have a saved collection on Instagram of all the places I want to visit here in NYC, and I make it a habit to take myself out for lunch or to decompress, change my environment, and even meet new people.
Having a saved collection is super helpful for days when you may want to go out and explore. It’s convenient not to have to search for something in the moment, causing overwhelm and frustration when we do not find what we are looking for.
More selectiveness: Time management is a well-known concept. We are taught to pay attention to how we use our time, which is necessary and understandable, but I would like to propose the idea of energy management.
Remember when the pandemic first hit, and suddenly, people started to assume we had all the free time in the world because we were on lockdown? Many people became upset and passive-aggressive because people weren’t answering their calls or responding to their texts right away.
Just because you have the time to do something doesn’t mean you will have the energy to. I am learning to be more mindful regarding my energetic bandwidth and becoming more picky regarding what I give my attention and resources to. Caring for myself means deciding when I want to be selective and choosy.
More minding my business: Sometimes self-care can feel exhausting because we are not doing our work; we are busy doing other people's work for them. We are trying to problem-solve for them, be the advice giver, and control their decision-making because of co-dependency.
You can be a good friend, partner, and human by knowing when things are for you to respond to and when you need to step back and let adults make their own choices, especially when those choices don’t impact you. Stop conflating saviorism with self-care.
Remember this: When self-care becomes exhausting, it might be a sign that it’s time to do things differently. What new rituals, practices, and tools are you cultivating for yourself as you enter the New Year and this new phase of your life?
3 Good Things: A Practice
The Trick to Identifying Where You Need to Set A Boundary, From A Therapist: An excerpt from my book, Owning Our Struggles.
A conversation on breaking free from our struggles: Goodlife Project with Minaa B. And Jonathan Fields.
A song for good times and good vibes:
Thank you for sharing! I burned out this year and your thoughts resonate with me as I am finding my way through this stage in life.
"Just because you have the time to do something doesn’t mean you will have the energy to."
Whoo....if that ain't the truth!
You shared a very interesting perspective on self-care. We always hear about it, but I don't think I've heard about adjusting what it looks like for different seasons. It makes sense. Sometimes self-routines need to changed up so we reap the benefits of it.