Stop Running Away From Disappointment
instead, learn how to embrace hard feelings
Every now and then, I stumble upon viral reels on social media that advocate against having expectations in various domains of life, including romantic relationships, friendships, and even work. It raises the question of how we arrived at a point where having desires is viewed negatively.
According to dictionary.com, expectations are defined as:
The act or state of "expecting": to wait in expectation.
The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
In my own life, I often look forward to many things, such as:
The release of my book
Advancing in my career
Finding a partner
Healing from painful experiences
There are things I have anticipated that have come to fruition, and there are things I anticipated that never materialized, leaving me feeling dejected and disappointed.
Some people say that having expectations is the reason why I was left feeling disappointed. However, I disagree. Since when is feeling disappointed a bad thing?
The idea that we should not have expectations is often based on the notion that if we avoid having expectations, we won't have to experience disappointment or people letting us down. The problem with this ideology is twofold:
It is rooted in the concept of control, but we cannot always control outcomes. We can make wishes, but they may not come true. This doesn't mean you should stop wishing, but you must learn to deal with the difficult feelings of loss and disappointment when you don’t get what you want out of life.
This ideology does not help us build emotional resilience. Your ability to cope with and adapt to challenging and stressful situations will determine your quality of life. Developing emotional resilience is crucial, as it can enable you to navigate life's highs and lows with greater ease and confidence and manage stress and anxiety that comes from difficult life experiences.
We need to stop believing that wanting things in life is a problem. The real problem is trying to avoid difficult emotions when we don't get what we want. There have been times in my life when people have let me down. Because I am responsible for my feelings, I have learned that it is imperative for me to work through my emotions. What I have also learned, however, is that it's okay to feel sad when you realize that some people can't give you what you need. Meeting people where they are means understanding that some people may not have the ability to give you what you are looking for. That does not mean that what you desire is too much to ask for; it may simply mean that you are asking the wrong person to meet your needs. In that case, you will have to deal with the emotions that arise from that realization.
Rather than avoiding expectations altogether, learning how to manage them is important. This means being realistic about what we can control and what we cannot and being prepared to deal with the outcome, whether it is positive or negative.
Ultimately, the key to growing and building emotional resilience is to embrace disappointment as a natural part of life, not something to be feared. By doing so, we can develop the skills we need to navigate life's ups and downs and create a fulfilling and satisfying life for ourselves.
Thank you!! I am so sick and tired of hearing expectations equals disappointment, or having expectations can destroy relationships, and that having expectations is wrong. Reading your words made me realize having expectations is not the problem, not knowing how to deal with your emotions that arise out of disappointment is a problem. Learning to meet people where they are at, and accepting certain people cannot meet our needs are big and hard things to come to terms with, but this is where we grow and heal. As you also wrote I am always responsible for my emotions, so I need to learn to deal with those big emotions that come with disappointment. I want to continue to have expectations of myself and things I hope and wish to get in my life. Living with expectations is a beautiful concept.