It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and tomorrow can be a dreadful day for some, a joyful day for others, and both for many. My emotions during the holidays always ebb and flow.
After the death of my father back in 2009, I often struggled with being able to hold space for gratitude on a day that had such a heavy tradition for me. My father was always big on parties and entertaining. He found a reason to celebrate almost every holiday over a pot of Sancocho, a backyard BBQ, or a spread of classic Panamanian dishes. When my father was cooking, everyone in the family knew they had to come over, and it wasn’t out of obligation; it was out of pure love and desire to be in community with one another.
When my father passed, it felt like my community died with him. My father was the glue that kept the family together, and once he was gone, I could feel the thread of family becoming undone. I was nineteen when my father passed away, so seeing my family dynamics change was rough for me mentally and emotionally. I used to feel guilty for not feeling the jovial attitude many people felt when they woke up on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas morning. Instead, I felt sad and even angry at how life unfolded for me. I was experiencing prolonged grief, and learning to honor that was one of the best decisions I made for myself in my healing journey.
We are often told to be grateful–which is sound advice–but we are often never told to learn how to be okay with sadness and grief. We are often told that our sadness needs to be fixed or “treated” rather than honored and accepted as part of our lived experience and a natural reaction to our reality.
I have been told to stop crying while going through harrowing experiences (and even during celebratory moments, believe it or not), and I would immediately wipe my tears and “get myself together” to appear more strong and inviolable. I never felt strong; however, I always felt exhausted by trying to pretend I was okay when I wasn’t.
There are going to be people in your life who do not know how to honor their difficult emotions like grief and sadness; as a result, they will ask you to minimize your pain so that you don’t force them to think of the pain they spend their days suppressing.
Normalizing grief as a part of my lived experience was the thing that helped me heal. Learning to see the grey areas of life and not just view things as black-and-white helped me process my difficult emotions surrounding my father’s death better because it led me to something called radical appearance. Embracing reality for what it is, including my feelings, and learning to make peace with both the good and bad.
When we learn to hold space for opposing feelings, we evolve and grow into people who are rooted in reality versus denial, allowing us to handle our truths in a nurturing and safe way. As we get through this week, I want you to think about the ways you can make grief normal again and hold space for what feels hard and what feels beautiful.
Holding space for both grief and gratitude can look like:
I’m grateful to be alive, and I am also sad about my circumstances.
I love my family, and I struggle to be in a relationship with my family.
Thanksgiving day makes me sad, and I am also looking forward to hosting, attending a gathering, or spending time with myself.
I miss my family, and I know I should keep my distance and not celebrate with them.
I want to show up for others this week, and I want to show up for myself.
Remember this: You are not broken for having emotions. Make grieving normal in your life. Let it be the window into a world that exposes you to the things and people you love. Let it serve as a reminder of the parts of you that can feel deeply. Invite grief in and be okay with its presence. The human body is capable of honoring every emotion that you experience. You do not have to choose gratitude over grief; you can choose to feel both.
3 Good Things: A Practice
My friend
recently published a book full of gems and wisdom. Grab a copy for yourself and a friend, and follow his Substack!A conversation on Sisterhood with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford
A song for a good time and good vibes.
Bonus Content
Here are a few recommendations and coping strategies for getting through Thanksgiving and the rest of the week.
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