How to Be A Good Friend
You have to participate in building the friendships you want
Join my upcoming retreat this fall!
I am hosting a retreat at the Art of Living Center in Boone, NC, from November 15th to 17th. You’ll learn tools on how to build community, healthy friendhships and more. Space is limited so grab your ticket!
Lately, my social media feeds have been flooded with friendship break-up stories that sound like they are a part of a horror movie. From being ghosted to backstabbed to dealing with a friend who is male-centered or straight-up selfish, my social feeds are constantly flooded with the worst examples of what a friendship is supposed to be.
It makes me wonder, do people know how to be a good friend anymore?
From my own personal experiences, I know the answer is yes because I am in thriving friendships with people who reciprocate nurture, love, and care in the same way that I do. However, once I start scrolling on Threads, it appears that many people no longer know how to be a good friend.
If you go into a bookstore and search the aisles for books on relationships, I can guarantee that 95% of those books will be dedicated to romantic relationships and not friendships. And the same way some people need a therapist, course, or book on how to fix their marriage, many people need this same level of research regarding how to be better friends, yet those resources are very slim compared to romance.
I could talk to you about friendships for days and why they are vital aspects of community care, but for the sake of this point, I am going to focus on these three elements that make a good friend.
How to be a good friend:
Understand the importance of reciprocity:
Friendships, like any other relationship, thrive when both parties are contributing to the growth of the relationship and putting in the work needed to sustain the relationship. If you have a friend that is constantly giving their time, energy, and resources, without receiving anything in return, this will lead to friendship burnout because the friendship is imbalanced. Balance is required if you want your friendships to thrive. When we have reciprocity in friendships, there is a mutual exchange taking place where both parties can feel confident that certain needs will be met, and there will be an emotional investment that encompasses care, support, and love. Being a good friend means learning to invest in others the same way you want others to be emotionally invested in you.
Learn how to grow together through different life stages:
It's very common in female friendships for friends to drift apart during major life changes like marriage, divorce, the birth of a child, career advancement, or the death of a loved one. Many friends may struggle to find their place in their friend's life when that friend becomes a different person with different needs and priorities. Instead of figuring out how to grow together, some people choose to step back out of fear of abandonment or that uncomfortable feeling many of us hate to experience: envy.
An emotionally mature person works through their difficult feelings instead of letting them take control. When you find yourself envious of your friend, the only way to heal is to confront that feeling head-on and explore what it's revealing to you. Envy often shows us things we want but haven't yet achieved. However, just because someone else got there first doesn't mean you can't achieve those things too. If you don't, it's your job to manage your disappointment instead of projecting your pain. Growing together also requires flexibility and learning to adapt to change. You can't expect your friend to always be the same person—your friend will change, and so will you. It's crucial to remain curious about your friends as they go through different life stages and figure out how to show up for the new versions of them.
Always be willing to communicate
The number one thing that has helped me sustain my friendships is my willingness to not only have hard conversations but to initiate them as well. Our inability to manage discomfort is truly ruining us. It's impacting our mental health, our friendships, romantic relationships, self-esteem, and sense of self. We won't progress as people if we're constantly using tactics like avoidance, deflecting, arguing, and ghosting to deal with our discomfort. Your friends are people too, which means there will be times when they might annoy you, make you angry, or disappoint you. These are conversations you'll need to have if you want to see your friendship flourish. Sweeping things under the rug won't get you what you're asking for. Suppressing your emotions only leads to unsatisfying friendships. So be willing to talk about hard things. Tell your friends how their actions impact you. Get help by talking to a therapist first or writing in your journal. Practice having hard conversations. It's a necessary skill that will make your friendships much healthier.
Learning how to be a good friend is a daily commitment. What are some additional qualities you would add to this list that make a good friend?
Tune into the latest episode of Mindful With Minaa wherever you listen to your podcasts. Please leave a rating and review to suppor the show!
This is a great list you put together! I certainly know some people that need this type of list. I've had to cut off a lot of people who only contributed additional frustrations in my life. I don't have any time for that. My well-being and sanity is too important.